Miserably miserable..

Just now, I burst into tears..:( Farissa couldn't stop crying like no tomorrow. Yang pelik, she will stop crying if I sit nearer to her. Gosh. Mcm mama tade kerja lain. I have to dukung her all the time. Dah la, I suddenly feel down when I remember the fact that I have nobody (in terms of parents) and how I miss Mak badly. The tears came down heavily bila teringat Mak dah takde for me to refer anything about baby. Memang when she was still alive, she couldn't help me physically, but she helped a lot mentally. She gave me the strength to face 1001 problems when handling Faruq dulu.

This is my first time I menangis gila-gila punya sejak Mak takde. Siap teresak2. I just couldn't help myself to cry. At least I feel a bit relief. I can't stay alone. Last week ok skit, when I stayed at UB. Ria, the maid really helped a lot. Farissa nangis2 pun dia blh senyum lagi. BUT, I know everybody pun stress and sad bila Mak takde. I need to go back home to face reality.

While I was still on my confinement period, masa Mak visited me, serta-merta I rasa segar sikit and confident. That was the power and love of mother. I can feel my burden just flewn away that time. God knows how much I miss her and wanting her right now.

Poor Farissa jugak. She is helpless. Sakit ke, uncomfy ke, she only knows how to cry. She dunno how to minta anything. I think dia kembung kot. Ntah la. Oh I so not ready to get back to work. Fiza, can you tell my tl? I don't want the world to see how miserable I was right now. My face full of pimples and breakouts due to stress I guess. I couldn't stop myself eating but usually the food will end up in the toilet. (I threw it up). Or else, I can put up one day without food and drink. That was so not good coz I am BF-ing Farissa. My hair.. toksah cakap la..buruk gila. Hmpph..

Last night lagi la. I tot of going to Papparich with mr hubs for dinner. Of course with Farissa along. She was ok during the day yesterday. Dalam kereta je, dia dh macam ulat. Tak senang duduk. Mata melilau tgk lampu. Tertoleh2 sana sini. Taknak tidur langsung. When mr hubs stopped to fill the petrol, dia melalak dah. Papparich apa mcm nie? So the plan tukar last minute. Mr hubs tapau-ed food and drinks and we ate our dinner at home. Elok plak dia tak melalak time tu. Mr hubs pun satu. Kalau tak call, tak reti nk balik awal sikit. We had our dinner pun dh around 10-ish. Mana tak gemok!!

Today, I'm planning to go to IOI Mall to get her a new bottle. Tau tak, now she refused to drink FM from bottle. I have to give her Fm too, nanti nk kerja susah. And with stress lately nie, my BM is so little. Takleh nk buat stock pun coz she wants to BF every 1/2 hours. My nipple sore macam apa. Cemana nk tinggal dia kt bbsitter kalau dh takmo bottle. Lain la kalau I housewife ke. Boleh la kalau dia nk bergantung 24hours pun takpe. Tu baru betul susu cap gantung. Hish. At first I tot, dia tak sesuai susu. So tukar la Enfalac A+ tu. Mahal yg amat, pun dia taknak. Masa kt UB, try susu Akel (Dulac). Cheaper la sket. Minum mcm apa. So mr hubs beli la big tin of Dulac. Balik je rumah, hampeh. Macam nk bunuh dia jek bila feeding time. Suakan bottle, siap tolak dgn lidah then jerit2. Protes la tu. Kemain lagi kecik2 dh pandai show tantrum kt mama dia. Cara nak bagi dia bottle, kena BF her dulu, bila dia dh mamai baru sumbat bottle. Tu pun kadang2 je berjaya. She ended up crying sebab lapar and haus.
Pening pening.

(Sorry, lately nie byk sgt I complain about this and that. I just couldn't help. I love Farissa so much, but at the same time, I miss my Mak. I couldn't accept the fact that she's gone. FOREVER)

Mak, Adek nak Mak sekarang.