Miserably miserable..

Just now, I burst into tears..:( Farissa couldn't stop crying like no tomorrow. Yang pelik, she will stop crying if I sit nearer to her. Gosh. Mcm mama tade kerja lain. I have to dukung her all the time. Dah la, I suddenly feel down when I remember the fact that I have nobody (in terms of parents) and how I miss Mak badly. The tears came down heavily bila teringat Mak dah takde for me to refer anything about baby. Memang when she was still alive, she couldn't help me physically, but she helped a lot mentally. She gave me the strength to face 1001 problems when handling Faruq dulu.

This is my first time I menangis gila-gila punya sejak Mak takde. Siap teresak2. I just couldn't help myself to cry. At least I feel a bit relief. I can't stay alone. Last week ok skit, when I stayed at UB. Ria, the maid really helped a lot. Farissa nangis2 pun dia blh senyum lagi. BUT, I know everybody pun stress and sad bila Mak takde. I need to go back home to face reality.

While I was still on my confinement period, masa Mak visited me, serta-merta I rasa segar sikit and confident. That was the power and love of mother. I can feel my burden just flewn away that time. God knows how much I miss her and wanting her right now.

Poor Farissa jugak. She is helpless. Sakit ke, uncomfy ke, she only knows how to cry. She dunno how to minta anything. I think dia kembung kot. Ntah la. Oh I so not ready to get back to work. Fiza, can you tell my tl? I don't want the world to see how miserable I was right now. My face full of pimples and breakouts due to stress I guess. I couldn't stop myself eating but usually the food will end up in the toilet. (I threw it up). Or else, I can put up one day without food and drink. That was so not good coz I am BF-ing Farissa. My hair.. toksah cakap la..buruk gila. Hmpph..

Last night lagi la. I tot of going to Papparich with mr hubs for dinner. Of course with Farissa along. She was ok during the day yesterday. Dalam kereta je, dia dh macam ulat. Tak senang duduk. Mata melilau tgk lampu. Tertoleh2 sana sini. Taknak tidur langsung. When mr hubs stopped to fill the petrol, dia melalak dah. Papparich apa mcm nie? So the plan tukar last minute. Mr hubs tapau-ed food and drinks and we ate our dinner at home. Elok plak dia tak melalak time tu. Mr hubs pun satu. Kalau tak call, tak reti nk balik awal sikit. We had our dinner pun dh around 10-ish. Mana tak gemok!!

Today, I'm planning to go to IOI Mall to get her a new bottle. Tau tak, now she refused to drink FM from bottle. I have to give her Fm too, nanti nk kerja susah. And with stress lately nie, my BM is so little. Takleh nk buat stock pun coz she wants to BF every 1/2 hours. My nipple sore macam apa. Cemana nk tinggal dia kt bbsitter kalau dh takmo bottle. Lain la kalau I housewife ke. Boleh la kalau dia nk bergantung 24hours pun takpe. Tu baru betul susu cap gantung. Hish. At first I tot, dia tak sesuai susu. So tukar la Enfalac A+ tu. Mahal yg amat, pun dia taknak. Masa kt UB, try susu Akel (Dulac). Cheaper la sket. Minum mcm apa. So mr hubs beli la big tin of Dulac. Balik je rumah, hampeh. Macam nk bunuh dia jek bila feeding time. Suakan bottle, siap tolak dgn lidah then jerit2. Protes la tu. Kemain lagi kecik2 dh pandai show tantrum kt mama dia. Cara nak bagi dia bottle, kena BF her dulu, bila dia dh mamai baru sumbat bottle. Tu pun kadang2 je berjaya. She ended up crying sebab lapar and haus.
Pening pening.

(Sorry, lately nie byk sgt I complain about this and that. I just couldn't help. I love Farissa so much, but at the same time, I miss my Mak. I couldn't accept the fact that she's gone. FOREVER)

Mak, Adek nak Mak sekarang.

Kenangan terindah bersama Mak..

Semasa menghantar mak pergi umrah dgn Angah (2008)

Raya 2008 dgn anak2nya..

Raya 2008 dengan menantu


Mak dgn cucu2nya.

Di Seremban dgn Mak (birthday my nephew, Nizam)

Di Seremban lagi

Hari Nikah my twin sis, Ata)

Home hot home..

Am already at my home, Puchong. The weather was really hot yesterday. Thanks to my twin sis, Ata. Sanggup hantar kami balik ke Puchong, dengan buaian si Farissa skali..

Actually buaian tu maktok (arwah mak) belikan untuk Faruq, tapi Faruq tak suka naik buaian, so I passed it to Ijot, utk Feeya. Bila Farissa dah ade nie, Ijot passed the cradle back to me. Si Farissa nie kuat nangis. Tatau la sawan ke apa. Last Monday, bawak dia pegi Darussyifa'. Ustaz tu kata, biasa la budak kecik, nampak semua benda. Takde apa2. He said while smiling. Rase tenang je tgk muka Ustaz tu.

Rasanya Farissa kepanasan kat rumah nie. Dia dh elok je kat Ukay Bistari. Kurang la nangis yang menggila2 tu. Balik je smlm, nangis la jugak. Hari nie pun ade la sikit2, tapi tak seteruk last week. :(

Am still risau pasal babysitter dia nie. Faruq's babysitter mmg agree nak jaga dia. But dgn dia yang kuat nangis nie, takut makcik tu takleh handle. She got 4 kids to take care of campur Farissa. But Faruq and one of the kid half day coz skolah. But the 1 year old boy tu takut meragam plak. U know, baby kan kena ade extra attention sikit. Makcik tu pulak sorang2 kat rumah. Takut lah.

Denial mode

Am in my mum's house at Ukay Bistari. I still can feel her here. Entering her room makes me feel closer to her. The smell, the room is still the same, except her bed was taken back by Tan Sri for his SIL. His SIL kena cancer just like Puan Sri. Takpe lah, at least the bed mmg berguna. Tak sempat nk belikan mak recliner bed. :(

Should I blame Faruq coz he was sick at the same time with Mak? I didn't have time to visit and take care of her.

Should I blame my husband coz after we got married, I didn't have much time to spend with Mak?

Should I blame myself, coz too pampered, so I didnt go to hospital the very last monday before Mak passed away?

Should I blame Ucu, coz she didn't call me at the very single minute before Mak left us? I didn't have the chance to seek her forgiveness and say goodbye. :(

Mak, Adek rindu Mak.

Mak dah takde.. :(

Mak dah kembali ke rahmatullah pada 25/5/2010 lebih kurang 6am di PPUM. Thanks to all the wishes. Segala urusan pengkebumian, kenduri dan tahlil berjalan lancar.

Emosi still tak stabil. I'm still in my denial mode. Hoping that it was only in my dreams. I stumbled to see her body lying down peacefully dekat rumah dat day. Mak nampak tenang dalam tidur yang panjang. I couldn't help myself to touch her whole body slowly. Pipi, dahi, tangan dan badan mak saya jamah perlahan-lahan. Sejuk kaku. Betul ke Mak dah takde? Tertanya-tanya dalam hati ketika itu.

Semasa memandikan jenazahnya pun sama. Ku bersihkan tubuh Mak dengan penuh kasih sayang. Ku usap mukanya, ku belai rambut mak kali terakhir. Ku bersihkan sedikit darah yang mengalir dari bibirnya dengan berhati-hati. Ku bertanya pada makcik yang mengetuai upacara mandi itu. Darah itu mungkin disebabkan tiub oksigen yang dimasukkan ke dalam mulutnya. Usaha terakhir doktor untuk menyambung nyawa mak. Tetapi gagal.

Ucu cerita, mak meninggal dengan mudah. Pneumonia dia sebenarnya sudah sembuh. Tetapi dia still sesak nafas. Complication dari jantungnya yang dah lemah. Malam di akhir hayatnya, dia berselera makan. Tapi tidaklah banyak mana. Mak nampak ok Ucu cerita. Memang sudah beberapa malam dia tak lena tidur. Jam 3-4 pagi, nurse datang lap badan mak. Selepas tu mak semput balik. Sekejap saja, Mak pun hembuskan nafas yang terakhir. Ucu kata macam mak tertidur. Rupanya mak dah takde. Doktor cuba revive tetapi gagal. Berakhirlah hayat Mak. Insan yang melahirkan kami ke dunia.

Jenazah dibawa ke rumah kami di Muar. Nanti saya cerita balik ye. :(

Doakan Mak saya :( Pt 2

Oh ya, lupa nk cerita. After Faruq check-up on Thursday, petang tu we all pergi la Alamanda. Hajat hati nk shopping kejap je. Tah camne susu Farissa semua tak bawak. Ingatkan dia ok, coz she just had her milk at home right before we left.

We had nasi beriani at JM Bariani. Mmg sedap. Tu mmg kedai wajib pergi kalau we all pergi Alamanda. Dat time Farissa dh start merengek.

After makan, we went to Carrefour to buy few things, diapers, susu, groceries sket. Time tu mmg dh tak bleh blah. Farissa dh melalak like no tomorrow dah. Hadoi. Time nk bayar, orang punya la ramai.

Before masuk Alamanda, I dah pergi BF-ed her. Ntah apa kena minah tu dat day. I terpaksa ala-ala berlari pergi nursing room tadi while Mr hubs settlekan bayar2 tu sumer. On the way pergi nursing room, dia dh menangis mcm kena dera punya lah. Imagine la, Alamanda tu kan bising, suara dia lagi kuat ok. Sampai I blh terdengar org2 bisik2 , "Buat apa la bwk baby gi supermarket." "Eeee.. baby nangis la.." Huhuhu~ Orang Malaysia mmg penyibuk, bukan nk tlg.

Sampai je kt nursing room tu, I dah menggigil satu badan. Bila dia dah calmed down, I dgr Mr hubs dgn Faruq's voice outside. Rase lega sket. Terpaksa la minum iced blended chocolate kt SB dulu hehhehe.. kononnya tenangkan diri before balik.

Si Farissa nie mmg drama lebih la..geram...

Ok back to the story...

Day 2 kt CA. Kali nie tukar shift. Me kt rumah with Farissa, Mr hubs teman Faruq plak. Dah si Farissa buat hal lagi. Melalak2 takmo tidur bagai.. Haih.. tu la selalu papa dia dodoikan..ni la akibatnya.. Time tu dh 1 am, baru dia tidur. I pun terpengsan. Sebab dh melalak gila2, dia tidur nyenyak, pukul 7 baru bgn. Menjerit2 kelaparan la tu..huhu.. After susu time, we both tidur balik. I siap silentkan hp. Takmo diganggu konon. Saje tunggu minah tu menjerit baru I bangun. That time around 11am. Hohhohoh..

Mr hubs texted me, Faruq dah blh discharge. Lega. Dgn tak mandi nye dua beranak, pergi fetch Mr hubs and Faruq kt CA. kekekeke...Dah kata kena discharged before 12 kan. Sib baik Farissa tidur sepanjang perjalanan pergi dan balik.

Mr hubs citer, cost for H1N1 test for Faruq insurance tak cover. Pulakkk.. coz the result was -ve. Bengong ek insurance tu. So kena bayar around 300+ lagi. Mahal giler, patut gi gomen jek. I plak tak sabar nk tunggu lama2.

Oleh kerana, bz dgn family kecik nie nye matter, I takde chance langsung nk visit mak..apatah lagi nk jaga dia. Petang Sunday, my twin sis, Ata datang nk visit Faruq, and cerita la pasal mak.

Sian mak, dah la takleh tidur malam sebab kaki bisa2, so every hour dia bangun kejap nk duduk kejap nk bangun. Tak selesa kan katil hospital tu. Sebab banyak bergerak, dia jadi lelah. Kena masuk oksigen 24 hours smpai hidung dia dh berdarah. :(

Ata cerita mak sembelit teruk. She insisted nk pergi toilet jugak, and she herself korek2 to get the poops out. Kesian mak. :( Habis kotor tangan dia. Ata yg cucikan. Sampai Mak nk pitam dalam toilet. Mak siap nk mandi. Yelah rimas kan duk lama2. Kesiannya. Dah mengalir air mata I membayangkan seksanya mak. Dah la Ata cakap, dia tak selera nak makan hospital food. Sebab tu dia sembelit and nk pitam coz sugar level drop pulak time tu.

So esok, I nak masakkan dia something. A week before, dalam sakit2 sanggup datang rumah I nk celebrate Mother's Day sama2 I. Bertatih2 mak nk masuk rumah I, semata2 nk jenguk I yang tgh dalam pantang dat time. Takkan I takleh nk jaga dia walau sehari kan? Mak tak pernah merungut nk besarkan anak2. Apa je I nak, dia tetap akan usahakan dgn Abah.

Memang I'm a bit worry. Macam2 penyakit ade kt PPUM tu. Ata cerita kat ward mak tu, macam2 kes ade. TB, H1N1 segala lah. Dgn I ade baby kan? But WTH, dats my mum. I'm willing to do everything for her.

Ya Allah, kau sembuhkan lah Mak, permudahkan la urusan hidupnya, panjangkanlah umurnya supaya aku dapat berbakti kepadanya, bagilah kesihatan yang sempurna di akhir2 usianya, janganlah kau seksa dirinya, murahkan lah rezekinya, kasihankanlah dia Ya Allah, sebagaimana dia mengasihani kami anak2 nya. Cukup lah derita dan ujian yang kau turunkan padanya. Kalau lah segala derita itu berpunca dari kami anak2nya, kau janganlah seksa ibuku Ya Allah. Hanya Kau tempat kami mengadu. Amin :(

Bulan May is not really the month to celebrate. Abah meninggal pun 26 May 2005. Dah nk masuk 5 tahun. Every moment, before Abah passed away, terbayang2 kt mata I. Takleh lupa sampai bila2. I'm not ready to lose my mum too. I really2 love her and still need her in my life.
Tolong lah Ya Allah. :(

Selingan sket..

Dah berjaya pergi ke kedai berdua je dgn Cik Farissa. Sampai je kat kedai, I opened the window, matikan enjin. Baru je nk kluar keta, dia melalak. Takde choice I terpaksa dukung dia masuk kedai.

Nasib baik tade orang, so mamat kedai tu baik hati amikkan barang2 yg I nk beli. Siap hantarkan barang ke kereta. I beli ikan cencaru, sayur2. Plan nk masak utk mak esok.

Elok je dia diam kena dukung. Nasib baik. After dat, terus fetch Faruq dr bbsitter then berdesup balik..nak masak...harap2 Farissa tak nangis.

Yeayy..good girl Farissa. :)