Back to office..

Yup, I'm at the office now. Konon nk bgn awal, kul 8 gak bgn. Terkocoh2 mandikan si Farissa. Nasib baik dua2 ok je. Tak mengaruk. Mr hubs yang hantar diorg gi rumah bbsitter tu.

First half at the office macam bosan gak. Glance tru tonnes of unread emails. Malasnya. Perut dh nyanyi2 nie. Am contemplating nk pump susu bwh meja ke nk pergi nursing room downstairs. Malasnya nk jalan.

The best part, ramai kata I dh kurus! Lps deliver ari tu lagi kurus, diorg tak jumpa kan? La ni dh makan macam buaya. Blame to BF! Huhu..

Later ya. Nak lunch sat lagi.

Dah 3 weeks.. terkenang semasa dulu..

Masuk hari nie genap 3 weeks mak dh takde. And as usual every Tuesday after Mak left us, I mesti terbangun at 4am lepas tu takleh tidur. My plan today nak pergi kerja. But coz lots of tasks done yesterday makes me exhausted, plus my two babies are unwell too.

Si Faruq dari tadi takmo makan, minum susu jek. The result, baru tadi muntah berlambak2. Hadoi.. Dia macam nk pitam dah. Ye la org tak makan. Si Farissa as usual melalak. But still controllable lah. Biasalah jaga anak kan? Macam mana lah arwah Mak dulu jaga kami semua? Dah la I twin.. pengsan... and my 7 elder siblings. Yang tu macam berderet setahun satu. Mak aih.. Campur bela adik2 and sedara mara lagi. Dulu2 mana ade diapers bagai. Pakai kain lampin. Agaknya kalau sekarang still takde diapers, mau meroyan I.

Mak kira yang paling tua dalam family. Yang paling tua among cousins jugak. Everybody called her Kak Long. Mak yang jaga adik2 lelaki dia smpai la diorg kahwin, sepupu2 mak jugak. Time dulu ramai yang susah. So diorg menumpang dgn Mak lah.

Mak dgn Abah mmg cekal. Dulu Abah je sorang kerja. Jadik cikgu. Mana nk cukup gaji. Baju sekolah my elder siblings, Abah yang jahitkan. Uniform ok. Kagum dgn diorg. Mak pulak tak jemu2 tolong Abah. Apa je yang boleh dijual, dia akan jual. Mak jahit telekung, cadar (Ingat tak dulu ade cadar yang sulam tu? Sulaman tu Abah yang tolong jahitkan.). Kalau pergi pasar, ade udang geragau, Abah akan beli, buat belacan then jual. Mak jugak jual penyapu lidi dgn tikar mengkuang. Yang nie pergi ambik kt orang yang buat. Diorg mmg tak pernah duduk diam.

Eventho dah senang sket, (masa nie dh pindah kt my current house kt Muar, dulu2 duk rumah murah kt bandar), ade je kerja diorg. Time nie Abah dh pencen. Kami the twin sista plak lahir. Imagine, dua2 in breech position. Mak pulak tak perasan pregnant, time tu dia dh 44years old. Masa preggie kami 4months, baru pergi check, coz Mak ingat dia terkena busung. Dulu pun mana nak ade scan2. So ingat preggie satu je la. After check-up tgk2, Mak kena pregnancy diabetic pulak. So when she pregnant-ed us at 8months, Mak dh kena tahan ward. Kena duk sebulan lebih before lahirkan kami. Masa nk lahir songsang pulak. My twin sis, Ata keluar dulu, at 2+kg camtu. Then me, yang paling susah coz I dlm kedudukan melengkung. Muka sentuh lutut. The gynae terpaksa pull out my legs. I only weighted 3.5pounds je..dlm 1.5kg?

My sis, Ucu cerita, time kluar my legs, hands sumer still lembut, so my kaki melengkung. Doctor advised her to put wooden long ruler ikat kt kaki I bagi straight. It's not all. Sebab I terlalu ringan kena stay kt hospital almost one month jugak, while Ata, my auntie dh bawak balik coz she was healthy time tu. So Mak pun stayed kt hospital teman I. Kecik2 lagi dh susah kan dia. :(

Bukan tu je. Both of us kena childhood ashtma pulak, me with my fussy eater attitude (Sekarang Faruq inherits my attitude, ish!) Macam2 la yg my parents kena faced masa I kecik but they willingly to do it. Not like me, asyik nk merungut itu ini.

Byk lagi kenangan yang nk share dgn korang semua. Bukan apa, I takut nanti I lupa all the memories with my family. So, I let it written here. Bila2 boleh baca balik. Later ya. I blum mandi pagi. Boleh?

Miserably miserable..

Just now, I burst into tears..:( Farissa couldn't stop crying like no tomorrow. Yang pelik, she will stop crying if I sit nearer to her. Gosh. Mcm mama tade kerja lain. I have to dukung her all the time. Dah la, I suddenly feel down when I remember the fact that I have nobody (in terms of parents) and how I miss Mak badly. The tears came down heavily bila teringat Mak dah takde for me to refer anything about baby. Memang when she was still alive, she couldn't help me physically, but she helped a lot mentally. She gave me the strength to face 1001 problems when handling Faruq dulu.

This is my first time I menangis gila-gila punya sejak Mak takde. Siap teresak2. I just couldn't help myself to cry. At least I feel a bit relief. I can't stay alone. Last week ok skit, when I stayed at UB. Ria, the maid really helped a lot. Farissa nangis2 pun dia blh senyum lagi. BUT, I know everybody pun stress and sad bila Mak takde. I need to go back home to face reality.

While I was still on my confinement period, masa Mak visited me, serta-merta I rasa segar sikit and confident. That was the power and love of mother. I can feel my burden just flewn away that time. God knows how much I miss her and wanting her right now.

Poor Farissa jugak. She is helpless. Sakit ke, uncomfy ke, she only knows how to cry. She dunno how to minta anything. I think dia kembung kot. Ntah la. Oh I so not ready to get back to work. Fiza, can you tell my tl? I don't want the world to see how miserable I was right now. My face full of pimples and breakouts due to stress I guess. I couldn't stop myself eating but usually the food will end up in the toilet. (I threw it up). Or else, I can put up one day without food and drink. That was so not good coz I am BF-ing Farissa. My hair.. toksah cakap la..buruk gila. Hmpph..

Last night lagi la. I tot of going to Papparich with mr hubs for dinner. Of course with Farissa along. She was ok during the day yesterday. Dalam kereta je, dia dh macam ulat. Tak senang duduk. Mata melilau tgk lampu. Tertoleh2 sana sini. Taknak tidur langsung. When mr hubs stopped to fill the petrol, dia melalak dah. Papparich apa mcm nie? So the plan tukar last minute. Mr hubs tapau-ed food and drinks and we ate our dinner at home. Elok plak dia tak melalak time tu. Mr hubs pun satu. Kalau tak call, tak reti nk balik awal sikit. We had our dinner pun dh around 10-ish. Mana tak gemok!!

Today, I'm planning to go to IOI Mall to get her a new bottle. Tau tak, now she refused to drink FM from bottle. I have to give her Fm too, nanti nk kerja susah. And with stress lately nie, my BM is so little. Takleh nk buat stock pun coz she wants to BF every 1/2 hours. My nipple sore macam apa. Cemana nk tinggal dia kt bbsitter kalau dh takmo bottle. Lain la kalau I housewife ke. Boleh la kalau dia nk bergantung 24hours pun takpe. Tu baru betul susu cap gantung. Hish. At first I tot, dia tak sesuai susu. So tukar la Enfalac A+ tu. Mahal yg amat, pun dia taknak. Masa kt UB, try susu Akel (Dulac). Cheaper la sket. Minum mcm apa. So mr hubs beli la big tin of Dulac. Balik je rumah, hampeh. Macam nk bunuh dia jek bila feeding time. Suakan bottle, siap tolak dgn lidah then jerit2. Protes la tu. Kemain lagi kecik2 dh pandai show tantrum kt mama dia. Cara nak bagi dia bottle, kena BF her dulu, bila dia dh mamai baru sumbat bottle. Tu pun kadang2 je berjaya. She ended up crying sebab lapar and haus.
Pening pening.

(Sorry, lately nie byk sgt I complain about this and that. I just couldn't help. I love Farissa so much, but at the same time, I miss my Mak. I couldn't accept the fact that she's gone. FOREVER)

Mak, Adek nak Mak sekarang.

Kenangan terindah bersama Mak..

Semasa menghantar mak pergi umrah dgn Angah (2008)

Raya 2008 dgn anak2nya..

Raya 2008 dengan menantu


Mak dgn cucu2nya.

Di Seremban dgn Mak (birthday my nephew, Nizam)

Di Seremban lagi

Hari Nikah my twin sis, Ata)

Home hot home..

Am already at my home, Puchong. The weather was really hot yesterday. Thanks to my twin sis, Ata. Sanggup hantar kami balik ke Puchong, dengan buaian si Farissa skali..

Actually buaian tu maktok (arwah mak) belikan untuk Faruq, tapi Faruq tak suka naik buaian, so I passed it to Ijot, utk Feeya. Bila Farissa dah ade nie, Ijot passed the cradle back to me. Si Farissa nie kuat nangis. Tatau la sawan ke apa. Last Monday, bawak dia pegi Darussyifa'. Ustaz tu kata, biasa la budak kecik, nampak semua benda. Takde apa2. He said while smiling. Rase tenang je tgk muka Ustaz tu.

Rasanya Farissa kepanasan kat rumah nie. Dia dh elok je kat Ukay Bistari. Kurang la nangis yang menggila2 tu. Balik je smlm, nangis la jugak. Hari nie pun ade la sikit2, tapi tak seteruk last week. :(

Am still risau pasal babysitter dia nie. Faruq's babysitter mmg agree nak jaga dia. But dgn dia yang kuat nangis nie, takut makcik tu takleh handle. She got 4 kids to take care of campur Farissa. But Faruq and one of the kid half day coz skolah. But the 1 year old boy tu takut meragam plak. U know, baby kan kena ade extra attention sikit. Makcik tu pulak sorang2 kat rumah. Takut lah.

Denial mode

Am in my mum's house at Ukay Bistari. I still can feel her here. Entering her room makes me feel closer to her. The smell, the room is still the same, except her bed was taken back by Tan Sri for his SIL. His SIL kena cancer just like Puan Sri. Takpe lah, at least the bed mmg berguna. Tak sempat nk belikan mak recliner bed. :(

Should I blame Faruq coz he was sick at the same time with Mak? I didn't have time to visit and take care of her.

Should I blame my husband coz after we got married, I didn't have much time to spend with Mak?

Should I blame myself, coz too pampered, so I didnt go to hospital the very last monday before Mak passed away?

Should I blame Ucu, coz she didn't call me at the very single minute before Mak left us? I didn't have the chance to seek her forgiveness and say goodbye. :(

Mak, Adek rindu Mak.

Mak dah takde.. :(

Mak dah kembali ke rahmatullah pada 25/5/2010 lebih kurang 6am di PPUM. Thanks to all the wishes. Segala urusan pengkebumian, kenduri dan tahlil berjalan lancar.

Emosi still tak stabil. I'm still in my denial mode. Hoping that it was only in my dreams. I stumbled to see her body lying down peacefully dekat rumah dat day. Mak nampak tenang dalam tidur yang panjang. I couldn't help myself to touch her whole body slowly. Pipi, dahi, tangan dan badan mak saya jamah perlahan-lahan. Sejuk kaku. Betul ke Mak dah takde? Tertanya-tanya dalam hati ketika itu.

Semasa memandikan jenazahnya pun sama. Ku bersihkan tubuh Mak dengan penuh kasih sayang. Ku usap mukanya, ku belai rambut mak kali terakhir. Ku bersihkan sedikit darah yang mengalir dari bibirnya dengan berhati-hati. Ku bertanya pada makcik yang mengetuai upacara mandi itu. Darah itu mungkin disebabkan tiub oksigen yang dimasukkan ke dalam mulutnya. Usaha terakhir doktor untuk menyambung nyawa mak. Tetapi gagal.

Ucu cerita, mak meninggal dengan mudah. Pneumonia dia sebenarnya sudah sembuh. Tetapi dia still sesak nafas. Complication dari jantungnya yang dah lemah. Malam di akhir hayatnya, dia berselera makan. Tapi tidaklah banyak mana. Mak nampak ok Ucu cerita. Memang sudah beberapa malam dia tak lena tidur. Jam 3-4 pagi, nurse datang lap badan mak. Selepas tu mak semput balik. Sekejap saja, Mak pun hembuskan nafas yang terakhir. Ucu kata macam mak tertidur. Rupanya mak dah takde. Doktor cuba revive tetapi gagal. Berakhirlah hayat Mak. Insan yang melahirkan kami ke dunia.

Jenazah dibawa ke rumah kami di Muar. Nanti saya cerita balik ye. :(